Brain Melting...

So last night I was up until 2AM thinking about this film - and I'd like to say that it was the first time I was left awake by this film, but no. Wake Up has basically consumed my thoughts for the last two weeks, and even a successful response to my casting call (which netted me about 40 people interested) hasn't quelled my mind - only increased it.

There's a strange sensation I've never felt before that's been building up. Normally, in fact, almost always, I'm a very calm individual - opinionated and loud, but calm. Nothing really phases me, so to speak, at least not with what I've experienced in my life. I've had deadlines for essays come rapidly, but they're always just one all-nighter from being solved, even if I've got to pull 5 in a row (which I did last year). During a week in November 2005 I totalled 17 hours of sleep from Sunday-Saturday. And nothing really bothered me, I wasn't even that tired.

I don't know; I'm aware of that fact that I'm some kind of anomoly, since nobody should be THIS passive towards life - but all of the sudden, this film.. this creation that I was initially approaching like I approach everything in life... has made me lose sleep, stop thinking about everything else, and... hell... this is what "stress" must feel like.

All of the sudden I realize that in two weeks, I'll be sitting here in this basement, with about 20 people around me, waiting for instructions. There'll be people that came from Toronto after earning the job to be in front of the camera, awaiting my instructions. They're trying to get themselves into the industry - I'm just trying to create a film that I can show in a film fest. I don't have a clue... correction - I didn't have a clue how much effort would be needed, but repeated talks with my DOP has made me realize how much shit that's involved. I mean, I need a PA (Production Assistant), a 1st AC (Assistant Camera), some grips, lighting guys, a makeup artist, and for christ sake, some guy to handle just FOOD. What the hell. FOOD? But yeah, I guess I need to feed people. Oh, and there's also the guy that holds the Boom mic - he needs to do it right, and have an understanding of Ohms.

This damn film is killing me - and even though I know that this is the hardest time right now, I'm sure getting my ass kicked by this thing I've never had to do before - put real effort into something. But I don't want this to suck balls, especially not with actual actors. So it's likely that my ass will have to take a 2 week beating while I realize what the real world is like - this isn't some shitty highschool production where me and my friends are filming us being morons with no concern for how the hell it looks - I mean, Wake Up is going to have ASSISTANTS.. and somehow, my stupid brain managed to literally build a small chain o' command that put me on the top...

I've got no experience. I've got no clue. I've got people that know what they're doing (mostly) around me, and I'm going to have to fake it. I'll have to swallow my hatred for everyone, push away my tendency to mumble and joke my way out of things, and actually direct.

Damn. Directing is nothing like it is in the movies. And after this, I know I'll have a shitload more appreciation for films... even the shitty ones (except anything made by Michael Bay... I mean seriously, The Island?). And on Sunday and Monday, I'm holding auditions for the 4 key roles - that of Lyndon, Bryce, Dustin, and JC. This isn't something I've ever done before, either, so I'm going to have to make it up as I go along with no real clue or experience.

But then again, I watched the Futurama episode where Bender auditions to be on "All My Circuits", so I'll just recreate that scene and be fine.

-Mark

PS: "That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer!" - the best line from that episode.