Sunday, January 14, 2007

A filmmaker's confession

So, I'm pretty much drunk at the time of writing this. With any luck, I'll forget writing it at all.

Now, usually when I'm drunk I let out the most confessional side of me come out; not that I'm ashamed of my inner person, per se; it's just that when I'm drunk, I don't give a shit if everyone knows.

Much like my old blog, which isn't worth mentioning, I've found that life is a cacophony of randomness, and society more or less a way of people trying to control that randomness to form a kind of order - not that an attempt like that is bad, it just doesn't work. And for the vast majority of people, the imposed-order works perfectly. But then there's people like me, who drink for multiple reasons; I could care less about the sensation of getting hammered - sure, it's fun, but realizing you're useless when you're drunk kind of limits what you're able to do. I enjoy the feeling of not caring, but it's not like I could be like this 24/7. It's more or less a self-regulating process of guilt and drunken rationality that keeps me from being an alcoholic. When I'm loaded, I do one of the three things: Become more obnoxious, mellow out and do nothing but become way too involved with what I'm focussed on (current state), or pass out. Exciting life. That and I lose my hearing. But let's move on.

Alcoholism for me, with I've briefly flirted with a few times in my life, but never found the stomach for (other then my 2 week festival of drunkeness a few years back) is a total escape - except I tend to deal with the pointless drama of my life better when I'm sober, frankly by ignoring it and getting on with life. I don't have time to deal with all the shit that happens in life, and frankly, when put in perspective, it's not substantial enough to effect my life drastically - so who cares? But when I'm liquored up, life finds different meaning - I stop and reflect on things, usually my life.

I've always been fascinated with how stupid humanity is, and how quickly they're willing to submit to any kind of person that speaks with authority and conviction; I can only assume it's because I'm on the other side of the spectrum, the kind of person that questions everything and (like Mulder) trusts no one, that I can see the 'willing, stupid masses' for what it really is. They say some are born leaders, others born followers. While I'd usually agree with this, it's times like this that I'm more 'clear-headed', and more apt to point it towards people not wanting to deal with having any control over their own fate.

Let's face it; life is a massively uncertain thing, and humanity has a tendency to try and explain everything. Because we can't tell the future, but have the power to think about it, and are rendered uncomfortable by the fact that shit happens and the fact that we forget about the small things that affect, and ultimately change (when compiled together) our lives, humanity likes to think of these things as controlled or guided, ie: "Acts of God", or as Donnie Darko so aptly puts it "within God's realm." This, of course, is just an explanation for an unexplainable thing.

But I'm agnostic, so I feel that humanity is more random then "pre-planned", so to speak. I don't care what happens in my future. Since I'll never experience "future", or know it, it's not important. Life is in the present; personality is conceived from the past. The future is the unknown. We are prone to 'plan for it', to focus our lives on what will be, as opposed to what is. ]

Now, back to my original point. When I'm drunk, I think. I think about my life, think about others' lives, and why I don't think the same way as so many do. I could care less about the latest hairstyle or what Lindsay Lohan is doing next; I only think of the uncertainty of my own life and try and come to grips with it. Of course, I only find out information in microisms, so to speak (tiny pieces of information). And it's these times that I feel like I understand the so called 'meaning of life' (which, interestingly enough, when sober, I believe is "to evolve/not die for as long as possible"), which is basically to fully understand yourself before you die. It's not like I believe death is an act of god, or 'its your time' or any of that crap; death, like life, is random, and it strikes good people as well as bad. And it's times like this I feel like I've already come to grips with my eventual death: I already know I won't do everything I want in my lifetime, so I've resolved to enjoy what I experience.

I suppose this is the time I make an awkward segway into how this relates to film; and yeah, I think visually and experience visually, but apart from that, any connection is merely abstract, except for cryptic, personal meanings in the films I do create. Filming is fun, and a piece of me is a part of every film I make - along with what I learn about myself, and what will ultimately shape what there is about me in the unknown future. And yeah, I know that I've got a countdown to finish, and this post was originally intended for #9 with only a short blurb about what I'm thinking, but it expanded into something much more. And yeah, as far as personally I did shoot over the weekend, which was chaotic, hot (I'll explain later), and intense, but I've finally reached post-production stages, but this'll all have to wait until I sober up to explain.


No comments: